Horse racing tolerated out of tradition

[Qbins Missile Crisis]

Imagine if horse racing never existed all these years and some visionary came along today with the idea for a new sport.

Here's the way I envision the news conference would take place:

"Hello ladies and gentleman, I really appreciate you all coming out today. This is a special day, because I have an idea that's going to be huge. It's going to take over the world of sports. I hope you're ready.

"Everyone here knows about horses, right? They're the animals you see on farms and used for transportation in real rural areas. Here's a picture of a horse I really like. Look at those legs. They're just so athletic. Look at their overall builds. We need to find a way to make use of these animals, for our own enjoyment.

"I'm saying we should race them. We could build a track of, say, a mile and a quarter, and we could just race the fastest horses around the track and see which horse is the fastest.

But why would we do that? For what purpose?

"For sport, of course. And we could take bets on them, too. We could create this betting empire, with tracks around the country, and people could waste away their savings betting on which of these horses is the fastest of the fastest."

Is there really a need for that? Isn't gambling illegal?

"Pfffffft. Illegal gambling? That's an oxymoron. People can go down to Atlantic City to gamble on card games and slots, and that's all legal, or they can go to Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods up in northern Connecticut. Buses go to both places every day, from all over. And that's fully legal.

"There's Las Vegas, the home of all things gambling, and that's legal too. You could go there and gamble on sporting events even. And have you seen the Internet lately? So don't give me some talk about gambling being bad for society. I'm sure we can get this passed in a heartbeat.

"I have this dream that we could create tracks all over the country, and in places where there are no tracks we'll build these halls where there are televisions that show the races going on. This is going so huge, I'll tell you, so, so huge."

But the gambling you speak about is just humans betting on inanimate objects, such as cards or slots – and they only hurt themselves. Why bring animals such as horses into this? And how exactly will you get them to run around the track by themselves. Will they really want to do that at top speed?

"We just think it's a crime that horses haven't raced! And, yes, we've thought about how to get them to run around the track. We don't think they'll do it on their own. So we'll get people, preferably light people, guys who are real small in build, and they'll sit on top of the horses and ride them.

"And they'll direct them where to go. They won't cause them any harm. It's more like a race-car driver."

And how will they tell the horse to go faster?

"They'll whip their back sides repeatedly."

You can't be serious.

"No, no, don't worry. I don't think that will bother them. And the people in the crowd will be cheering so loudly the horses will be distracted anyway. They'll be running so fast, it will just be like a little nip in their back, a reminder they better get moving because the finish line is right there."

Isn't this risky for the horse?

"No, not too many horses will die. There will only be a few accidents every now and again, I'm sure, not much different than if they lived a normal life. Besides, the horses want to race. I know it. They want this. We'll devise a three-race system and every newspaper will cover it as if it was the World Series. This is going to be huge and the horses will be stars."

How do you know? Did anyone ask the horses?

"No, they're just horses!"

Think this sport would get approved in 2008?

Jim Baumbach
11:55 AM EDT, May 5, 2008
Newsday.com