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[Qbins Missile Crisis]

May 28th, 2008 - MLB
The "R" Word
It was enough to make the purists weep.




Carlos Delgado hit a long high fly ball deep into the corner of Yankee Stadium last Sunday. It caromed off the base of the foul pole above the yellow line making it a home run. The third-base umpire Mike Reilly called it as he saw it and signified a round trip for the Mets sometime slugger, only to be overruled by the home plate umpire Bob Davidson - who was only 100 feet further away.

Everyone watching on TV saw it as fair. Anyone in stadium with a radio heard it called a dinger. The fans in the Bronx didn't get to see a replay on the Jumbotron because baseball doesn't show controversial calls in stadiums for fear of the umpires getting booed.

Or in New York, murdered, shot, knifed, hung and torched. In that order.

Who knows? Maybe Bob was taking the name, "foul pole" too literally.

In the media capitol of the world, his gaff did not go unnoticed. Once again, forests were felled, and barrels of ink were used up on sports section after sports section insisting that it is finally time for baseball to wake up and smell the 2000's and institute instant replay.

Since then several other blatantly wrong calls have been made (and stood by), turning this from a bar room discussion to a league wide debate.

Every single play in every single game is now shot in Hi Def around the league, so why not use the technology to review questionable calls the umpires are not certain of?

Well, since you asked, here's why...

First off - there is the question of who is providing those replays. It's the home teams themselves, that's who.

Here's a scenario for you. It's late September. The Yankees have charged back from last place in the American League East and are now battling Boston for the top spot. (No disrespect intended to Tampa who are currently there, but come on!) It's the bottom of the ninth and New York is down 2-1. There are two out with Jeter on second and A-Rod hits a ball deep into the Bronx night. The crowd goes wild as it clearly hits above the yellow line in left. It's the latest shot "heard round the world"... but wait. The first base umpire has his finger in the air. He's saying it hit below the yellow line.

It's just a single - and A-Rod gets tagged out protesting the call. Or, was it just a single? Let's go to the replay booth shall we? You know, the YES TV replay booth, which is owned by the Steinbrenners?

You are the 25-year old instant replay kid for the Yankees with a new wife and kid. What shot are you gonna give major league baseball? The conclusive one, or the one that drives your team out of the post-season, therefore costing your boss, who has just built a billion dollar stadium across the street, tens of millions of dollars?

Even if any of that doesn't happen, even a whiff of home field video advantage is one whiff too many.

Secondly - umpires are jerks. Oh, sorry, that's offensive. I shouldn't say that because calling umpires "jerks" is an insult to "jerks" everywhere. No, what umpires really are, are DoucheBags.

DoucheBag: (n) An individual with an overinflated sense of self-worth, compounded by a less than average intelligence, manifesting a series of negative qualities, including but not limited to, arrogance and malice.

Here's another scenario for you. A ball goes deep. It's going, going, gone... but wait! A myopic official calls it foul despite it perhaps ticking the pole. Seeing it otherwise, and just like in the NFL, the manager throws his red towel challenging the call.

The Douche behind the plate sees red all right. He sends it up to the booth for review, and even if the call is right or wrong, the guy who threw the towel is now in for a whole world of hurt.

See, umpires, who are supposed to be the arbiters of the rules of the game are not actually fair-minded. They, instead, are only into making themselves and their fraternal brothers look good.

Instant replay in baseball would do just the opposite. It would make them look bad.

And whoever does that is going to have to pay. Those close calls at the plate? Those bang-bang double plays? Those diving snow cone catches in center field?

Whoever didn't throw the towel, chances are those calls would go their way.

"Ho ho then," you say. Instead of just for home runs, why not use instant replay for calls like those just mentioned.

Finally - Baseball is currently timed with a sundial. Add in all those close plays for review, and all would have to be added, not just some, and not just a limited number of calls, because baseball knows about the umpires DouchBaggery as well, we're now talking geological time scales here.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame's lyrics would have to be amended to:

? Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, I don't care if I never get back... which I won't, because these games never end. I've lost my job, my home, my wife... ?

Warts and all - baseball is baseball. It's no technological wonder nor should it be.

Let's keep things as they are. Let's keep it a simple game played in the summer between white (and yellow) lines with gloves, balls and bats...

...and ruled by DoucheBags.

Cheers - Gavin McDougald - AKA Couch

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Very nice thoughts there, and well hit on the douche-bag part. We see tons of these types of people in all sports and I don't think its ever been so well wrote out, even getting the definition correct. I find it funny for the empire that reads this and sees red though.......its okay we all know he had it coming.

Well put. Eloquent, succinct, honest yet diplomatic. I especially enjoy the sarcasm that pans out into honest call-em-like-you-see-em observations...herewith "douche bag".

In agreement with you, thanks for the reminder to be careful about being swayed by the replays.